a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
why am I working on Labor Day
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
presenting your incognito window wrapped
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?