A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
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[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
this is me
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested