“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
But is it really??
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*