itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)