Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control