me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*