[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
You Might Also Like
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
very niche meme I made
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to