My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”