GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Not all heroes wear capes…
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches