I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”