An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning