[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.