My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…