Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Vodka burrito was a success
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Why I divorced her.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.