If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
That’s easy for you to say
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I know karate and tons of other words.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.