Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.