Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.