It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I love it all
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I really had high hopes for this year though
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
this could fix me
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.