My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.