Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.