When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.