[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Battery falling down a hole
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.