Lmaoo 😂
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4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman