I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.