[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”