HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.