Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You Might Also Like
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
🏙👨🏼
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue