“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
What if all the cashiers are married?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”