“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Meme Monday.
A French press is when you hug naked
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet