I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
this chia pet tastes awful
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are