Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.