My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Every BBC series about the universe.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.