Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: