My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
are there any atheist mantises?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.