*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.