The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.