Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.