I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!