My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
12. I think about this all the damn time