“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Guys, I found it.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.