Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.