(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.