One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
❤️🦆
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack