It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time