Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.