Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
yeah no that’s fair
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Coffee for people with no kids
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?