I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Buying a well is money well spent.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?