Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.