My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR