(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.